Today Summer decided that she will wean herself, meaning that she doesn't want me to nurse her anymore. Most of you may know that I had been exclusively breastfeeding her. Until today she decided that she is old and strong enough to not have this exclusive food anymore.
I feel sad, and that is an understatement. It is beyond anyone's imagination (except for some Breastfeeding Mummies) how emotional this can be. To a lot of people, BF (breastfeeding) is such a painful and restrictive job, a job that they like to have it over and done with soon. But for me, it is such an amazing experience that is indescribable. The whole process is so beautiful and graceful but is definitely not seamless. I still remember when I was pregnant, I really hoped I will be able to BF, and the feeling of offering your new born her first food, seeing her suck and swallow brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy that I was not only able to provide a womb for her to grow in, but also the most precious food for her to take in order to grow. I encountered a lot of hardship during the first month, it was so sore, Ginn kept asking me if I wanted to quit but I stood strong and put my pain aside and kept telling myself this is the best for Bean, I have to give it to her for at least 3 months no matter how difficult it can be; 3 months went by, and I said to myself at least 6 months; 6 months went by and I said to myself: 1 year. I was so proud and happy that Bean never had any formula until when she almost turn 1. She lived off and grew up solely based on my offerings for 6 months. I had been feeding her, doing the same thing over and over again, from 12 times a day to 3 times a day, for 11.5 months, and I look at her with so much love when she is on me, and now, it's all done. The withdrawal symptom is very strong. I feel very sad. I knew this will come one day but only if I knew when I would hold her so tight and tell her how much I have enjoyed every part of it, and thank you for showing me how beautiful it can be.
I can see today Bean had been very insecure and is very clingy to me. I guess in a way she doesn't feel secure that something is missing, something is changing. But as I said to her, "I respect your decision and I will always love you just the same, if not more".
Thank you Bean for accomplishing such an amazing journey with me, it is beyond beautiful. I have learn a lot during the entire process and most importantly, having you by my side conquers everything, and I do mean everything.
I love you so much, so much, always and forever.
Kau Fu Jai and Kau Mo Jai
